If I'm Being Honest

Up until now, the hardest post for me was the very first one.  I wanted that first post to tell people what was going on and to let them understand some of what I was feeling.  It needed to be serious without being too somber, informative without being overwhelming.  It took me a long time to get the right words, to convey the right sentiments.  It was hard to get all my thoughts sorted out and presented the way I wanted them. 

Even though I want all of the same things from this post as from the first one, this post is going to be much more difficult to write and share.  It's much easier to tell people that things are "pretty good" than to try and explain exactly how complicated they really are.  It's much easier to just put on a brave face and try to push through than to be vulnerable and let the world see that I don't really have it all together.  But part of the reason for keeping this blog was to keep everyone informed of how things were going and of how I am doing, and if I leave this out, I'm not sharing the whole picture.  So as hard as it is to share this side, I'm writing this to complete the picture.  I don't want everyone to think I'm handling everything beautifully 100% of the time; although I'm doing my very best and it's a wonderful picture to have of the situation, it isn't at all the truth.

For the most part, things really have been pretty good.  For the most part, I've been coping very well.  For the most part, I feel lucky and appreciate how good I actually have it.  But I think in a lot of ways, I've focused so much on the positives that I haven't fully processed and dealt with the negatives, and I think that all of the emotional turmoil of the last 5 months finally caught up with me.  It was a rough weekend, complete with two separate meltdowns, and here's what I sifted out of it all: 

I realized that I'm angry at this whole situation, because frankly, it just isn't fair.  I live a pretty healthy life and try to take good care of myself - I exercise, try to eat right, to get enough sleep, but it wasn't good enough.  It feels like I did everything I could but I got sick anyway and it sucks.  It really sucks.  I have to take medication every day for the rest of my life or my body will literally shut down.  I have to have radiation treatment that will increase my chances of getting a different cancer in order to decrease the chances of this one coming back.  I have to have regular blood work and doctor's appointments to make sure we're managing my hormone levels and to watch out for the cancer coming back.  I'm too young to be dealing with all this.

I'm anxious about the radiation treatment.  It's about as minimally invasive as treatment could be, but people still experience a whole gamut of side effects, and I'll have to be isolated from everyone for a few days.  That means that my husband, who has been my unwavering rock throughout this whole ordeal, will have to stay at least 6 feet away from me during that time.  If I get upset or feel overwhelmed, I can't go cry on his shoulder.  And even if I get sick from the radiation and don't feel well, I'll have to deal with it by myself. 

I hate not having a better support network at work.  Most days, I just want to stay home.  I have some fantastic friends that I met at work, but they're in different buildings and we don't really work together at all.  Most of the people with whom I do interact on a daily basis don't know what's going on, but I don't know them well enough to want to tell them.  I miss my former coworkers like crazy.

I go to a support group meeting once a month, but I don't know the other people in the group very well yet, and that meeting is the only time I see them - that doesn't do a whole lot to support me the rest of the month.  Everyone I've met there is really nice and I'm sure would be perfectly willing to meet and talk with me at other times, but I'm not very good at admitting that I need help.

This pre-treatment diet is a pain in the butt.  Combined with my gluten-free needs, it makes figuring out meals anything but simple.  I can't grab a snack from the cafe or go out to eat with friends - everything has to be planned out.  And I've been struggling with headaches that seem to be related to the diet changes.

I'm pretty worn out, and I just wish I could be normal again.