Wow, I really left you hanging, didn’t I?
It’s been a year since I told you that I was struggling, that I wasn’t doing well. When I went on leave last May, I felt broken, I felt alone, and I felt like I couldn't be fixed.
I am happy to report that I’ve come a long way in a year.
Taking time off was the very best thing I have ever done for myself. It's easy to understand that your body needs time to heal. It's harder to see that your mind does too. Time (and counseling) helped me see that I wasn't broken, and I certainly wasn't alone.
The dichotomy of before and after cancer is difficult to explain, especially when you're still grappling with it yourself. Nothing has changed, but everything is different. I am the same person, but I am radically altered. And I was clinging so hard to the former that I failed to recognize the importance of acknowledging the latter.
Let’s talk about all the things that I've learned:
- I have PTSD.
- I probably hadn't finished processing the first cancer when I got hit with the second.
- I was angry that people didn't know that I wasn't just "all better".
- I’ve always had anxiety and never realized it.
- My job was draining me in ways I did not see.
- I need to reconnect with and learn to trust my body again.
- I have to embrace and feed the artist in me.
- I still work to do to overcome feelings of isolation.
That's a lot of learnings, huh?
I think the topic of trauma and PTSD warrants its own, separate post, but I've learned quite a bit about it this past year (what it is, where it comes from, what it does to you). I know that it's not a rational thing. I'm learning to recognize my triggers. And I've learned some coping mechanisms that allow me to recognize when an anxiety attack is happening and help me accept it for what it is.
Yoga has been an incredible help in the process. What started for me as a purely physical practice years ago has evolved into more. I also know that I feel better when I spend time outside, so I try to find ways to work that in. And when I struggle and have bad days (and I do), I try to be patient and gentle with myself (even though I don't always do a good job).
So where am I now? I feel, in an odd way, more wholly myself than ever before. Like the built-up layers of personas that I'd tried on over the years were stripped away and the parts that were left were just me. I feel authentic. I feel like I know myself. I feel like I fit myself.
I've been filling my time with all sorts of creative pursuits: quilting, crocheting, pottery, reading, writing. I'm loving being an auntie, not only to my actual nephew but to my "adopted" kiddos as well. I’m excited for new adventures: rock climbing in NY, a wedding in India.
If you'd told me a year ago that I would feel like this now, I wouldn't have believed you. It's been a long road to get here. But oh, how glad I am to have made it this far.
